A Page From My Journal

I don't know about you, but that feeling of forever-changed reality is really kicking in.

This isn't an email of all of the necessary safety precautions I have in place to re-open. This isn't that at all. I haven't gotten the go-ahead from the Internal Boss that gives me the warm, fuzzy feelings of, 'yes, it's time'.

Instead, this is a snippet from my journal. The journal where I would basically rather die, then have someone find and read it. You know, that immediate gut wrenching, full body flush that happened when the teacher intercepted a note to your BFF about the crush you have. Basically, that x 100 is how I feel about laying the realness of my journal on display.

But times are not what they used to be. And neither are comfort zones. Sh!t is insanely altered and I figure I must adapt.

I've been drawing and writing to stir my way out of doomsday and into some inkling of creative flow. Nudging at the boundaries of the ol' comfort zone and the old way of doing things. You know, the olden days, like 7 weeks ago.

So I am sharing a page from my journal. This was written on Earth Day. And according to my notes, it was a hard day for me. An emotional rabbit hole, dooms-kind of-day. I was scribbling some things about the online Myofascial Stretch and Roll zoom classes. And then it started to rhyme and flow.

Here it is in all of its raw glory...

MYOFASCIAL STRETCH AND ROLL

Bring your knowledge to the mat.
Engage your fascia like you know how.
Find that sensation that is so familiar.
Let it call you. Let it guide you.

Your body remembers,
You know it too.
That feeling of oneness,
That separates you.

Sink in to the tissues,
That restrict and that bind.
Release your emotions
Allow you to be kind.

We're all in this together
So that's what they say.
Don't let fascial restrictions get into our way.

You do it for you,
You do it for all.
Our way to the whole,
With a small little ball.

We share the same fears.
We hold the same pain.
Compress through the tension.
Pump blood through those veins.

So many don't know it,
We are greater than 'this'.
I wish I could change it,
With a shake of the fist.

So I try to convey,
Through a roller and ball,
We need to WakeTF up now,
For the sake of us all.

This planet is crying,
Truth is we are too.
What needs to be said,
To help us pull through??

Who needs to be reached?
How do we get there?
With a pen and a paper,
That's my form of a prayer.

Some days I have nothing.
Nothing at all to give.
That hurts me inside.
And that hurts my left hip.

I feel so worn down,
Like I'm all out of synch.
Yet, I follow the planets,
And know I'm on the brink.

Of some wonderous change,
Yet it may hurt like hell.
Could be death and destruction,
But it's too soon to tell.

We are living a movie,
The end yet to be seen.
But the plot twists and turns,
Both nightmare and dream.

There is comfort in this pace,
That is slow and unmoved.
Sometimes I stumble,
Right into a groove.

I trust the unfolding,
What else can I do.
Hold space for the process
Of something more true.

This world doesn't suit me,
I've never quite fit.
There's a chance for something brighter,
But I'm not counting on it.

We're [email protected] as a species,
The human-ness plague.
Need a shift of the paradigm,
Please, let's not be vague.

I don't blame Mother Earth
For COVID-19.
Our actions deserve
All the harshness we've seen.

Our gluttonous behavior,
The pollution and trash.
Just open your eyes to know,
We deserve all of this wrath.

It's time to wake up now.
The end needs to be written.
And if we all go extinct,
Then that's our good riddance.

.................................................................................

Soooo, ya.

State guidelines put me somewhere between essential (phase 1 reopening) and massage therapy (phase 3 in July/August). Which is par for the course and convoluted at best.

The hefty requirements of PPE and medical grade disinfectants leave me leaning more towards phase 3. Bodywork in the age of Corona is giving me a loooong, deep pause and re-evaluation of all that is.

And I am heartbroken. (As I am sure you can gather).

The beauty of MFR is not about feeling good, it's about being good at feeling.

Counting my lucky stars I can feel all the feels during this time. Ride the huge, asskicking, humbling waves into the great unknown waters. And hitching myself the the lifeboats I find along the way. (you know who you are)

StillPointMFR isn't drowning. But she is in some strong currents. Creative ideas and offerings are percolating. And the truth is, it won't be hands-on for awhile. Ouch, that stings a bit, doesn't it?

Wow, life is a trip.

For all of the kind notes, texts, calls, TP deliveries, cash, support and spreading the word on the Zoom classes, check-ins, etc, etc... may your kindness and generosity come back to you.

Miss you,
Renie

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